December 29, 2014

Durango Telluride 2014-32

We always said we would start trying for baby number two when Ivy was a year old. All of a sudden, a year was here. Were we really ready? (NO) Was I ready to be pregnant again? (NO) All I could think about was Ivy, how was I supposed to make room in my brain, and let’s be honest, heart, for another? These questions can be answered later, all feelings, thoughts, and confusion aside…so let’s hop on it… literally.

Those two weeks between ovulation and a potential positive pregnancy test are straining. Analyzing every feeling in your body, questions racing in your head, am I pregnant? Or not pregnant? So maybe I shouldn’t drink the ENTIRE bottle of wine? Or can I? Again the uncertainty of being ready for a second… I guess a little late for that.

Why is it I still get mortified about buying a pregnancy test?

I’m like a little teenager trying to hide it at the bottom of all of the other random things the checker is hustling through, hoping he/she won’t see it, what they’re going to think. Ridiculous, I know, it’s the same awkward feeling I get when I buy tampons still. I’m 30. Married. And with 1 child. Maybe one on the way. What could that checker POSSIBLY be thinking? Nothing, probably. So just shove it in the bag quick, mmmm k.

I still remember taking my last pregnancy test. I was in a hurry to go get my nails done with my mother-in-law and missed the stick. Nothing. Ugh. I’ll do it when I get back. I’m not pregnant, anyways (right…).

I took it when I got home and HOLY S*** The rush of feelings – scared, nervous, happy, emotional, and another range of four letter words raced through my head. We were trying but not really trying and like, whoa, ok, this is happening… And now we have Ivy, LOVE :)

This time, I’m prepared. But still those same feelings, scared, nervous, happy, emotional, and other four letter words were racing through my head. They say, “a watched pot never boils,” but screw that, I’m staring with intense eyes right at that empty white box, watching it fill up, and finally, a plus sign. I’m pregnant.

And then, the tears. TEARS. All I could think was that I love Ivy SO much, how am I supposed to love another, give them the attention she has gotten, be a Mom to this one like I am to Ivy.

Control myself, this is what we wanted, a family, a family with children, not one child, a family with children. And that’s what we are getting. A real family of four.

I composed myself after an agonyzing minute and suddenly felt that love and joy I felt last time after that initial freak out sesh. Ok, yay, I’m pregnant, this is exciting :) This is what we wanted.

It’s funny because John’s reaction was practically the exact same each time I told him I was pregnant. The first time, he said, “No way,” (like, the serious kind of disbelief “no way”). And this time, he said, “Noooo,” (again, the serious kind of disbelief “no”). To be in his brain at that moment, how does a guy REALLY feel? I don’t think I want to know…

Pregnancy Reveal Baby 2-15

Is the second child just really screwed from the beginning?

Man. I was all about reading my books each and every day about what was happening with the baby and my body. I was obsessively dedicated to checking my apps each and every day to read basically the same thing I did in my books.

But it was FUN. I was fascinated with learning about this growing baby inside of me, the science, the human nature, it was all so intriguing to me, not to mention I got to learn and visualize all about what my baby was doing on that day.

We started a list of names, dreaming if it was a boy or girl, talking about our hopes and dreams for this baby inside of me.

This time, I don’t even know where my book is, I have looked at the app once, and we haven’t even started a list of names. We have barely even spoken about this baby.

Yep, confirmed. Consecutive children are just screwed. Now, I’m sort of jealous I wasn’t a first child. All the love and attention they get! So lucky!!

My first doctor appointment at eight weeks was with the nurse practitioner and quite boring. She confirmed my pregnancy, I got to see the little teeny alien thing that doesn’t look like anything, and walked out. No feelings, no emotions.

Yep, still screwed.

It wasn’t until my 12 week appointment that I had that flutter of excitement. Seeing the baby this time, moving, and actually looking less alienish and more like a human being brought back that same excitement and love I had with Ivy. I was now excited, I was now in love, I was now the mom I was for Ivy to this one, I was delighted, ecstatic, and overjoyed towards our new little baby. Finally… finally… LOVE

I am 15 weeks right now, have a baby bump (umb ridic, not loving how early you pop out on the second, ugh), and am anticipating those teeny little baby flutter kicks any day now. I am SO anxious for that. I loved that about my first pregnancy! I’m getting really excited about this new baby.

As for this second child, well, you’re not so screwed anymore. Nonetheless, my love is growing for you each and every day. Just like everyone says, “you don’t think you can love others like your first, until you see them…” And I’m sure that’s true.

Until then, you’ll find me chasing around an obnoxiously goofy 15 month old.


2 thoughts on “Screwed.

  1. Pingback: 20 weeks | Apple of My Ivy

  2. Pingback: Oh ya, I'm pregnant - Apple of My Ivy

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