Immediately, my mind goes into a whirl. It is ALL I’m thinking about. And I hate that I have to think about it this way. So negative. These feelings of abandoning my child (ok a bit dramatic), worry, letting go of control, and the nerves about someone else caring for my daughter, just emanate throughout my mind, and worse, my heart. It’s like an Evander Holyfield punch straight to the gut that just won’t go away. Everything at the daycare was so different. E v e r y t h i n g. It was all different than what I do, what we do. And I am just stuck in this whirlwind of emotions and fear.
Enough with the drama, (reluctantly), of course I want to start off writing about the negative because that’s all I’m feeling and thinking about. But, I’m in a good mood today and trying to be optimistic so I’m going to start with the positive.
I love the idea of daycare. The social part plays a huge role to me. Getting her around other babies and kids and interacting with them is important. I hope this aids in her growing into a social and interactive little girl. And it will. She will learn how to play with kids, how to share, learn new songs, play with different toys, and get some experiences that you would only get at a daycare. She will have fun. She will. (I won’t).
Also, Ivy only has to do 3 days a week. Just enough. John’s Mom Betsy is still taking her 2 days and I am THRILLED about that. They had so much fun together last semester and Betsy can hardly wait to get her hands back on her. It’s good for both of them. I love seeing Ivy with her Grandmas, it’s just the greatest.
Now on to the bad. Well, I guess, not the bad, but the utter madness that’s going on in my mind.
Yesterday we went to visit the daycare and complete orientation. Definitely teared up 4 times. It was terrible. And embarrassing. I felt so helpless and small and vulnerable. jfkdlajflkdsa.
Naps: First at orientation, they handed me a schedule of what her day would be like and I immediately noticed only one nap time. GASP. My baby is only 10 months, I KNOW she is not ready for one nap. She naps around 9am for 2-3 hours and 2pm for 1-2 hours every day and she is not showing any signs of being ready to get rid of a nap. I asked about this, and the woman said that some babies take a nap in the morning, so that relieved me a bit. But then I inquired about what the other kids do while the ones are sleeping, and she said oh they’re in another corner of the same room playing. Heart dropped. Right. So you’re expecting these babies to fall asleep when other kids are playing around them? I’m sure some do. But Ivy?! Ya right! This girl is like THE most particular sleeper ever. And maybe that’s my fault because I always created a nice sleeping environment for her. But there is just no way she will do that! I was maybe a little too psycho about her getting her naps. I have been close to decapitating John for being too loud in the house in fear of waking her up. Plus, Ivy doesn’t like to miss out on anything. If she sees something going on around her, she’s there too. She is NOT going to take that morning nap. That leaves her to the 12-2pm nap only. Big breath. I researched it (of course, psycho mom) and most kids don’t wean to 1 nap until 15 months or so. And we are at 10 months right now. Again, I feel SEVERE anxiety about this nap situation.
Oh, and I did I mention that the babies (ok, is she a toddler, or infant, or what? I don’t ever know, but I still like calling her a baby) sleep on a mat? Like the small blue mats that remind me of mat ball in high school. No cribs in her room. Like WHAT? Good luck keeping her on that thing. Ya right. It’s like a tornado in her crib every nap she wakes.
So I’m trying to combat my feelings and anxiety about this whole situation and it is hard. HARD. For some reason, I have always wanted Ivy to feel like she’s a “big girl.” I have really tried raising her like that and let her explore things on her own. Like she can do it herself, she’ll figure it out, she’ll challenge herself to achieve it, she’ll conquer her fears, she’ll learn to take risks, she’ll just do it, in the Nike sort of way. But this whole nap and mat situation, I can’t help but feel like my baby is just a baby. She seems too young for all of this. Like she’s too young for 1 nap, she’s too young for no crib, she’s t o o young. This makes me feel so small. So helpless. So… something. So…everything.
I am trying to diminish these feelings by understanding I have to give up control. Not something I like to do. Even when I was pregnant, I would always say, “I want to build the best baby.” I did EVERYTHING by the book. Didn’t take even a sip of alcohol, didn’t eat lunch meat, took my prenatal vitamin every day, yada yada yada, and now I have to give up that control. It’s out of my hands, and THIS is what I struggle with. I can’t assure that Ivy is getting the best care, that she’s getting enough sleep, that she’s comfortable, that she’s doing ok. But she is getting cared for. And is that really all that matters?
Something else I need to do, WE need to do, is adjust. Adjust is the word I need to write on my forehead to see every second, but I don’t like that word. I’m not good at that. Change is scary, even more now with a baby. And feeling this over-protection about Ivy is driving me i n s a n e (in the membraaaane). Like that show Extreme Parenting, I could probably be on it right now. (Now that shit’s cray cray). But, rest assured, (or not), she will survive and I will too. We will get through this. We will. And it will be good in the end. (Optimism soaring here, ya right).
This month is going to be a hard one and take some getting used to. It will take t i m e. It will be h a r d. It will be s a d. It will break my h e a r t. It will just s u c k. I’m complaining so much and I need to remember the positives. Daycare can be good. Daycare will be good. And it will get better. And pretty soon I’ll be dropping her off and she will run to her friends so excited to see them. Maybe I can get hypnotized to just think about the positives? I could use that right now.
Meanwhile, I’m going to go sob in her baby blankie.